Or: Oi Vei! Don’t Make Me Go Marry a Nice Jewish Girl
Colombo’s great chicks.
Not the hot, skanky, slinky ones that you find yourself taking pictures of cause you’re drunk and your inner Japanese pervert has surfaced (good old Japanese pervert, oh the car shows we’ve gone to…). Not the “sweet,” “so sweet,” or even the “aney she’s sweet” ones. These are the secretly hot librarian sorts — so secretly hot, they’re actually not hot. We call them “sweet,” which is another way of saying “I wouldn’t date her.”
Guy Says: “She’s sweet, you should date her.”
Guy Means: “I wouldn’t date her. But YOU, you should date her.”
I mean the great chicks.
They’re smart, usually a masters and thinking of something irrelevant to do for a Phd (“Saxon burial art. Not enough people studying Saxon burial art these days. They offer that at Sheffield, don’t they?”).
They’re funny – not in the annoying, giddy way that’s only funny to them and their clone-trooper-friends, but in a sassy, I’m-armed-with-irony-so-watch-out way. Not quite the Daily Show, but as close as they can get to that without suddenly turning into guys (it’s always rough when that happens).
And they’re totally cute. Now cute covers a great range ladies, but be assured if a guy thinks you’re cute, he DOESN’T think you’re sweet. And if he tells you you’re cute, he really means you’re a hottie but he doesn’t want to overcommit (as soon as we’re past “sweet,” we start to fear commitment).
In short, Colombo’s great chicks are just like Jewish chicks. They’re talented, educated, interesting. They’re progressive, assertive, fun.
Except that the Jewish chicks will date you.
See, when a group of young, single, interesting guys and girls of similar professional achievement, educational level, and compatible values are thrown together, you expect at least a bit of dating to happen. Frankly, I expect to see mowed lawns and Sunday brunch with the in-laws five years down from that, but I’ll settle for at least a little footsie and “you want to get coffee sometime? I know this great place that’s not Barista.”
But no, you get none of that. The guys and girls will get together, and then they will go their separate ways. Then the girls will get together and lament “oh, all the good men are taken! What’ll we do? We’re swimming in interesting, educated, attractive men — we’ll be single forever!” Meanwhile, the guys will be like, “hey, you want to go drinking? Maybe we’ll meet some chicks.”
Oh well done. How the hell did you lot manage this?
If you ask the girls why they won’t date guys that Jewish women would kill for, they’ll tell you they can’t find anyone “suitable.” The men they work and socialize with, of similar education level and experience, are somehow not “suitable.” When you press you often hear that they are not “mature” enough, or that they are “insecure,” or guys are “looking for someone meek.”
Notice how when pressed for specifics they stop talking about the men who are their friends, and instead are now picking out general failings of the gender? It would really suck if every time you asked a girl out she handed over a file of everything wrong with our gender and then shook her head sadly. It would be kind of neat the first time it happened (I really want to read that file and see my ranking), but after that I’d start to feel like my individuality is being suppressed between my thighs. Suppressed hard.
The way I see it, great chicks really don’t seem to have any meaningful reason not to date great guys. They seem massively against it though, so something is seriously not adding up on the Colombo singles scene and I’d love to see what other people think it is.
I can think of three factors that could have lead to what to me is an utterly incredible state of affairs. The first is that many men have rendered themselves undateable, we’ll call this The Men Screwed It Up Theory. The second is that given that Colombo culture is as small as a Hispanic village of chatty grandmothers, no woman wants to be seen chewing down some other girl’s chopped liver. We’ll call this the BabeNet Hates You Theory. The last is much more grim, and assumes that this is a defence mechanism for women who have had bad relationships and don’t care to be hurt again. We’ll call this the But This Is Why We Have Porn Theory.
The Men Screwed it Up Theory
It quite undermines a rant on Colombo women to say the problem is probably mostly with the guys, but, well, this theory assumes the problem is mostly with the guys. For some reason, great guys tend to be sweet, even “aney sweet”. I think this is because they have gone through their lives having sweet behaviours positively reinforced by women, who reward them by saying, “oh, that’s sweet.”
They weren’t lying. Those are examples of ‘sweet’ behaviour. Now we already know this means “I wouldn’t date you,” so well done fellas. You can’t blame the girls for this, because you can’t expect them to say something like, “you don’t do enough of that impulsively taking my hand and stroking it action, while looking deep into my eyes and telling me I look beautiful tonight,” anymore than we can say “have you thought about grinding when you dance? You should really grind, I’d totally dig that.”
There’s a lot of writing out there on what to do if you’ve gone and made yourself sweet, so get looking. Try under Nice Guy Syndrome as it’s better known. Now the great chicks you hang out with will always see you as sweet, but later chicks won’t — and then the earlier chicks will change their mind. This brings us to my second theory.
The BabeNet Hates You Theory
There were once two Colombo guys, let’s call them John and, oh, the Evil Skeletor. The girls in John’s circle thought he was cute, but then one day, one of them invented the perfect excuse – “he’s not good enough for me.”
Suddenly, John wasn’t good enough for the other girls either. Other girls got to know John, and they too quickly learned that he wasn’t good enough for them. Fast forward to the future, and John is a great guy and a lot of the girls are great girls. But John is still not good enough for them. He’s probably become “aney sweet” as well.
Meanwhile, the Evil Skeletor is in another Colombo circle. A girl, let’s call her Evil-Lyn, starts dating him, and since the Evil Skeletor’s a great guy, suddenly Evil-Lyn becomes a PR firm for how great he is. The other girls take note, and the Evil Skeletor becomes known and is seen as certainly good enough for them, but oh well, he’s taken. the Evil Skeletor goes on to get married to some chick or the other (the Japanese pervert says Teela, but I think he’d be a polygamist and get Sheera in on that action too), and goes out of circulation.
“Aney, what to do y’all? All the good men are taken! Even the Evil Skeletor!”
One would think great chicks would overcome this sort of thing, after years of determining candidates to be “unsuitable,” and coming up with all manner of odd reasons to justify why they can’t date someone they know their friends might not approve of, this may indeed become a genuine filtering system. My favourite reason is age, cause even at 27 it seems I’m still just too young.
Now when a guy is interested in a chick, all he cares about is if he has anyone else to contend with.
Guy Says: “Oh she’s single? Huh.”
Guy Means: “Oh she’s single? Open season baby!”
With chicks, it’s more often about a checklist you need to pass to make sure its okay for them to stay interested in you. “So you’re a Democrat? So where do you work?” And the one definite I’m-assessing-you question is always, “so how old are you?”
Girl Says: “So how old are you?”
Girl Means: “I’m attracted to you, but that’s irrelevant. Is your apparent maturity unsupported by your age? I can’t tell the other girls you’re younger than me, because they’d think I was settling for less.”
Can you hear that? That’s my inner Japanese pervert, laughing at me and snapping pictures.
The But This Is Why We Have Porn Theory
How many bad relationships before a girl decides enough is enough? Great chicks are mostly A type personalities. From wikipedia, A types tend to have:
1. Insatiable desire to achieve their goals
2. Strong willingness to compete in all situations
3. Strong desire for recognition and advancement
4. Desire to multitask under time constraints
5. Always in a rush to finish activities
6. Above average mental and physical alertness
Hot, aren’t they?
A types expect to be able to do things right the first time, so if they find they keep attempting something and failing, they are very likely to quit and then come up with the reasoning why it’s good thing that they stopped trying. I know one girl who dated a guy for a week in 9th grade, and then never dated anyone again (quite a shame too — she was a real hottie).
Getting bitter and constructing an elaborate anti-dating ethos isn’t really a solution. All it means is that you’re going to watch one by one as many of your other friends get taken out of circulation, leaving you to lament with others about how “aney all the good men are gone”. Except for the ones who’ve been there all along. Who are probably bitter too by then. And who have learned that the internet is for porn.
Conclusion
If you’re a great chick, over 25, and single — something is really wrong. Now I simply wouldn’t care if I wasn’t over 25, single, and just emerging from my own spell of bitterness — so seriously — girls? Don’t be that way!
No one is asking you to settle, well, except maybe for this guy.
But we are asking you to examine the decisions you’ve made about dating. We should get together and do coffee sometime. I know this great place that’s not Barista.
20 Comments
I though the usual complaint went something like “all the great girls are taken, all the nice guys are gay…”
Superb. Unequivocally superb!
WOW.. now it all makes sense..Pls replace Year 10 Social Studies Chapter 5 with this article.. I’m serious
- perhaps there are no ‘good men’ or ‘good women’ out there anyway, Navin? Infact, I tend to see the opposite of what you’re talking about here: the unplugged abundance of crampy men, and those looking for designer relationships.
What I’m trying to say I suppose is that the world is a vast mindfuck, and it would be refreshing and attractive to see a man who doesn’t think so much of himself. So show me one, and I’ll take him for a kopi at a nice place that’s not Barista.
(But meanwhile, as far as baggability goes, I can tell you those chaps in the Himalayan hillside appear (atleast for the moment) to be far better options. But it all depends on the length of the staff of course..)
Nice
Hi there Hera. My thoughts on your thoughts:
“perhaps there are no ‘good men’ or ‘good women’ out there anyway, Navin?”
Now that would be horrid worid. My experiences tell me otherwise, amd I’m saddened that your own experiences do not support a similar view. I believe there are plenty of good men and women out there, if they only got off their bums and dated each other they’d find out.
“it would be refreshing and attractive to see a man who doesn’t think so much of himself.”
Are you so sure about that? A man who doesn’t think much of himself would make a good stooge, or perhaps a paperweight. I doubt low self esteem makes for a worthwhile partner.
If you mean show you a man who isn’t arrogant, well, I’m not sure what to say. There’s plenty out there, and I’m not understanding why you haven’t found them.
They’re probably stuck at Baristas, trying to think of a different place to go for coffee.
Thanks for your reply, N. And I apologise – my response was sketchy to begin with.
“perhaps there are no ‘good men’ or ‘good women’ out there anyway” – I was trying to say that I myself don’t lament about “how all the good men are gone” – possibly having given myself the excuse that in reality, it’s all just perspective. Perhaps ‘an elaborate anti-dating ethos’ like you say, but nevertheless a general disillusionment with men due to my own (both good and bad) experiences.
“a man who doesn’t think so much of himself” – not a stooge at all. I was trying to imply a man who doesn’t need to assert himself or be pretentious, and yes, not arrogant.
“I’m not understanding why you haven’t found them.” – they’re there, but they change ’cause they can’t handle Type-A Heras who play a mean guitar innit.
Well anyway, I have 3 years to go before hitting the ‘dreaded’ 25, my opinion’s are bound deflect, and for now there are more pressing things to do – castrating more men for example.
Funny and interesting read, Navin; keep writing.
Well as for my 2 cents I think great girls and great guys who are together don’t see eye to eye as either party being the right one for them. It kind of hand in hand with the saying u can’t have too much of a good thing it’s going to end up sour ultimately.
That’s the reason Hera over here is looking for some Himalayan yeti Navin, I think it’s the mystery on not knowing a yeti and how its going to react to as well as imagining how long its pole is.
good post.. interesting, relevant and entertaining but found it hard to follow the detailed theories.. too much ‘flight of ideas’.. kinda like when u listen to a manic patient
What SC4S says. I was thinking more of the old zen monk types (hence the staff), but hey, yeti’s fine too.
Superb Post Navin,
My 2 cents;
to begin with, guys think girls want them to be ‘nice guys’ and so try to be nice, but the girls want somewhat of a ‘bad boy’, who treats them like shit but nevertheless excites the panties off them (literally sometimes). When the guys come around to understanding this and begin to act like ‘bad boys’ (helped by the earlier rejections), the girls have matured a bit and are sick of the bad boys and want a nice guy! I agree…the Colombo singles scene is truly bizarre….these bloody women don’t know what they want no!
Interesting article Navin!
Just wondering if you’ve had any positive responses to “We should get together and do coffee sometime. I know this great place that’s not Barista. ” since you posted it?
First of all, these “great” guys that you keep referring to don’t exist! Right now, “Evil Skeletor’s” wife is watching “why men cheat” on Oprah and crying her heart out cos she can SO empathize with all the women on the show. John’s wife (if John manages to find himself a wife) is probably ordering her vibrator online or is in a hotel room waiting for Evil Skeletor!
But honestly, I think you summed it up right when you said “And if he tells you you’re cute, he really means you’re a hottie but he doesn’t want to over-commit (as soon as we’re past “sweet,” we start to fear commitment)”. So, question is why would a smart, witty, ‘cute’ woman over 25, with a masters (and NOT even considering wasting 5 years of her life on doing a Phd on something irrelevant (Southampton I think, not Sheffield
) want to be with someone who fears commitment?
While someone like that wouldn’t be the ‘scary’ type who’d want an engagement ring on her finger after a few months of regular great dates (cos that would scare her!), she’d expect the guy genuinely mean “this ‘relationship’ is going really well, if things continue like this I’d definitely want to spend the rest of my life with her.” (ok maybe not think in those exact same words, ‘cos that sounds gay.. but along those lines) I mean genuinely mean it and not pretend to think along those lines just so he that he gets to date this great girl on a long-term basis with “no strings attached”.
I’d rather waste time on a PhD on Saxon Burial Art than spend it with a guy who’s a (closet) commitment phobic cos that’s what all guys turn into once they see the fist sign that the “relationship” is going really well!
Saxon Burial Art are my three most favourite words. We should get together sometime, Nisha.
wait can someone clear up for me why its looked down on by [a] woman’s friends if she dates a guy younger than her? whats wrong with younger guys?
Hey Hera, perhaps we should… but not if your still going around castrating men tho!
“oh my”, how much younger are we talking here?
4 to 6 years – i know of two couples like this, both getting married. the problem is that a lot of unmarried men past 30 are that way for a reason
That’s a grt article Navin . . . rings rather true from a female point of view : )
It would be interesting to assess why an increasing number of men are commitment phobics … but that’s another story
Well, what’s most interesting is to see how folks create so much of coplexity out of absolutely nothing. Just another glorified version of the “ane mata kollek/kellek naa ne” problem. Just a phase in growing up! Don’t worry it’ll pass.
Both parties should assess “where this is going” at the 3 month mark. And be true to themselves without trying to “make it work”. You shouldn’t have to “make it work” unless one is blind and the other is dumb, it should work on its own. And if it ‘aint, walk away. If you pass 3 months, then at the 6 month mark u should know if he’s will commit or not.
Remember, if a girl wants to keep a man, 4 things – be a great cook, learn to give amazing blowjobs, don’t “let yourself go” until that first child, give him space to be away from you to be male and crude and crass and drunk [u dont want to be part of it but its as necessary for us as it is for you to go shopping]. If he doesn’t realize your a gem, its his loss and find someone who does.
And as for dating, its a small everyone-knows-everyone society. Girls (there are the odd exception) are more concerned about the “what will people think if i were seen at onyx with 4 different men in 8 different weeks!!!” factor. Fair enough. There only so many “oh we had a fling”s one can deal with.
But don’t we all want that right? the right to select until we find the correct mate.
How do u keep him them? Simple – Needs: Food, sex and space.
Men are very simple, they think linear. Womens minds are like parabolas. But if they weren’t, they wouldnt be such intriguing creatures and once we figured them out they wouldnt be a challenge and we wouldnt chase them.
I’m not an advocate of expecting women to be at home to cook clean and do laundry. I personally like achievers and witty smart-ass’s. The cooking part is, personally, i love a woman who can produce a paka meal. It need only be once a week. Hell, i’d even go to a bloody play with her – all she has to do is master a savoury cheese omlette with a parippu and some bacon. Done – set for life. Those 4 things – keeper.
In my book at least.
Well atleast after the thoughts and the thoughts on thoughts by the (evidently) ‘great’ guys and girls, you’d think that atleast some of them went out for coffee at a great place thats ‘not’ barista.
And hell ya! I can cook and Saxon Burial Art sounds promising!
Nice work Navin.
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